


but keep this secret

by demonicneonfishy



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Crusades Era Joe | Yusuf al-Kaysani & Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Demiromantic Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani, First Kiss, Getting Together, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani is an Incurable Romantic, M/M, Pre-Canon, and all that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-16 12:20:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29824848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demonicneonfishy/pseuds/demonicneonfishy
Summary: “What are you thinking about?” Nicoló asks, pulling Yusuf from his thoughts.“Secrets,” Yusuf says truthfully. This has become a sort of game they play, originating from the earliest days of their friendship, when they were struggling to communicate: one would ask what are you thinking about? and the other would tell them.More than once, when Nicoló has asked, Yusuf has almost responded you, and only just managed to catch himself in time.
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 15
Kudos: 137





	but keep this secret

If you were to ask, Yusuf would tell you that he and Nicoló don’t have secrets from each other anymore. They are too close now for that, able to communicate without words, able to fight beside each other as seamlessly as if they were one person, able to travel in perfect silence without ever feeling uncomfortable. 

He would say he has no secrets, but he would be lying. There is one. One he cannot tell Nicoló, ever, for fear of risking everything they have built. He does not know how Nicoló would react to - if he would simply stare at Yusuf, confused; or if he would pull away from him, and the closeness between them would become strained, tense; or, even worse, if Nicoló would leave him alone. That is what he cannot risk. He cannot be alone.

(Every now and then, he wonders what it would be like if Nicoló felt the same way. He does not allow those thoughts to linger for long.)

The feeling comes and goes like the tide, but is always there. Some days it is a quiet warmth like sunlight in his chest, and he is content to simply exist in Nicoló’s presence, to have whatever he can, even if it is not everything he wants. Other days, it is like a scream rising in his throat, a fire threatening to consume him, building in strength every time Nicoló smiles at him. Those days are the most torturous. More than once, Yusuf has found himself opening his mouth to speak, but fear snatches the words away every time. It would be so easy to say it, and yet he cannot. 

_I love you in a way I have never loved anyone before._

For the longest time, he didn’t think he _could_ love, not the way others around him seemed to, not the way he heard in stories. 

Then he died. Then he met Nicoló. Then, once they had become friends, Nicoló smiled at him over the fire one night, and Yusuf thought _oh. This is what they meant, when they spoke of love_.

He has carried it with him ever since.

“What are you thinking about?” Nicoló asks, pulling Yusuf from his thoughts.

“Secrets,” Yusuf says truthfully. This has become a sort of game they play, originating from the earliest days of their friendship, when they were struggling to communicate: one would ask _what are you thinking about?_ and the other would tell them. 

More than once, when Nicoló has asked, Yusuf has almost responded _you_ , and only just managed to catch himself in time.

Now, Nicoló smiles at him, walking over to lie down on the ground beside Yusuf. “I thought we didn’t have those anymore.”

“We don’t,” Yusuf lies. “I was just thinking.”

They fall into comfortable silence, watching the night sky above them, the only sound the crackling of the fire. Today is a sunlight day, Yusuf thinks, when loving Nicoló is easy as breathing. 

“I do have a secret, actually,” Nicoló says as an afterthought. “I ate the last tangerine last time we had them.”

“ _Nicoló_ ,” Yusuf says in mock outrage, turning his head to look at him. “You lied to me?”

“I’m telling you now, aren’t I?” Nicoló says defensively. Yusuf shoves him, gently, and Nicoló laughs. The sound is the sweetest thing Yusuf’s ever heard. He can’t help watching, spellbound, as Nicoló goes quiet again, looking back up at the stars. The moonlight turns him into a being crafted of the night sky itself, regal and beautiful and so hopelessly out of reach. 

“What are you thinking about?” Yusuf asks, his voice barely more than a whisper. 

Nicoló is silent for a little while, brow furrowed just slightly in thought.

“That they haven’t changed,” he says finally. “The stars. Everything else has, but they always stay the same.” He tilts his head to look at Yusuf, eyes almost glowing in the moonlight. “And that I have another secret.”

“Oh?” Yusuf says, trying to keep his tone light. Trying to remember how to breathe, but it’s difficult when Nicoló is looking at him like _that_.

Nicoló looks away, as if nervous all of a sudden, and the moment shatters like glass.

“Nicoló.”

Nicoló does not respond, or even look at him.

Yusuf props himself up on one elbow to look down at him, but Nicoló still won’t meet his eyes. “Nicoló, what is it?”

Finally, _finally,_ Nicoló looks at him, the stars reflected in his eyes, and whispers, almost too quietly to hear, “I love you.”

Yusuf cannot remember how to breathe. Or speak. Or _think_.

Nicoló smiles sadly and looks away again. “It’s okay. You don’t have to-”

“ _Nicoló_ ,” Yusuf whispers, and kisses him.

Nicoló reaches up, tangling his hand in Yusuf’s hair, pulling him half on top of him, and Yusuf can’t quite believe that this is happening.

Eventually, he pulls back, and Nicoló smiles up at him, and Yusuf smiles back, tracing the lines of Nicoló’s face.

“I love you too,” he tells him, and Nicoló’s smile widens, brighter than even the moon, and Yusuf loves him so, so much. “No more secrets?”

Nicoló pulls him back down with a laugh. “No more secrets.”

**Author's Note:**

> title from abu nuwas, love in bloom, cause i was writing this fic and thought 'hey, you know what this reminds me of?' and decided to use that line as the title (full line is "i die of love for you, but keep this secret / the tie that binds us is an unbreakable rope")  
> -  
> i'm demonicneonfishy on tumblr too if you wanna come say hi!!


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